Nešto novo, ne tako divlje

Prije svega, naslovna fotografija nema veze s temom, to je samo Osijek za vrućeg dana. Što nas dovodi na temu.

Ponekad sam lidlić. Općenito volim Lidl, a kad se tamo ukaže akcija craft piva, vrlo brzo se na licu mjesta ukažem i ja. Kao u Bibliji, uz dim, trubače i sve što ide s tim. Minus dim, trubači i sve što ide s tim, ali kužite poantu. Lidl generalno uvijek ima zanimljive proizvode, bez obzira koju kategoriju tražite. I ne, ovo nije plaćeni oglas. Dapače, jedini novac koji je u igri je onaj koji sam ja potrošio i nije baš bezazlena cifra, ali gušti su gušti. Ima tu nekoliko vrsta i brandova koje čekaju da mi prođu kroz grlo, ali jedno mi je zapelo za oko i natjeralo me da se zapitam.

Znači, trpam ja tako bez pretjeranog razmišljanja bocu po bocu, kupilo se toga, zveči sve, žene u redu iza mene me gledaju prezirno, ali jedinstveno, “gle ovoga, sreća što ovaj moj nije takav, jel tako ljubavi…ljubavi, šta gledaš sad tamo…pa ne bi valjda i ti tako…sram te bilo, ti mene uopće ne voliš, neš jebat večeras, mrzim tvoju majku” pogledom. Muškarci (koji su u trgovini prisutni sa svojim oštrijim polovicama) me, s druge strane gledaju razjedinjeno. Jedna skupina misli “gle pedera što glumi, šta sad mora baš svih deset vrsta uzeti, uostalom, sve je to sranje, Žuja je zakon“, a druga skupina je više u fazonu “mamicu mu sretnu, ma daj da uzmem i ja sebi makar jedno-dva, neće ova moja ništa na to, ipak se zna tko je tu muškarac…ma ništa ljubavi, samo gledam, znaš da ja samo roze pijem, i to samo s tobom uz snimku kraljevskog vjenčanja…gle kretena naprijed, naslagao piva ko da nema sutra, sramota…znaš, tvoja majka je jedna divna žena…”. Karikiram, ali realno slične stvari se događaju. This is not my first rodeo i svaki put kad na pult stavim tu neku količinu piva, često sva različita, jako je zabavno ispratiti poglede kupaca u redu iza mene, nijedan izraz lica nikad nije bio indiferentan, koliko god ljudi se pokušavali suzdržati. 

 

POMIJEŠANI OSJEĆAJI

U svakom slučaju, jedno pivo, recimo tako, mi je zapelo za oko. Mislim, piše da je pivo, ali…doslovno je u butelji, 0,75 L i piše San Servolo Gold Classic limited edition, alc 7,1%. Preskačem, nisam neki tip za vino. Idem dalje, ono, fokusiraj se, znaš zašto si ovdje… Međutim, proizvođač je, to je evidentno, pretpostavio da bi moglo doći do nesporazuma pa je ipak suptilno odlučio dati neznalicama do znanja natpisom na etiketi da je u pitanju doslovno: Pivo – Bier – Beer – Birra – Cerveza. Pa, ok, let’s play, ajmo vidjeti tko smo što smo. Došao kući, pripremio butelju, izvadio vadičep (boca ima klasičan pivski čep, ali činilo se nekako prikladno), pripremio vinsku čašu, obukao košulju, kravatu i sako, sipao nešto manje od pola čaše. Apsolutno sve je upućivalo da treba tako postupiti, međutim, nešto nije štimalo. Znate ono kad pokušavate kocku progurati kroz kružni otvor i zapinje? E, sličan neki osjećaj. Srknuo sam pivo iz vinske čaše, vani je zagrmilo, zasvirao je Ed Sheeran, dobio sam užasnu želju pogledati Brokeback Mountain, tlo se počelo tresti, rasplakao sam se, zgužvala mi se kravata. NE! 

Ne pokušavajte ovo kod kuće.

 

Što ja to radim? Duboko sam udahnuo, riješio se kravate, sakoa i košulje navrnuo butelju u pivsku politrenjaču. Razmišljao sam da ostanem samo u gaćama, al tko će sad gaće oblačiti… Vani se razvedrilo, zasvirali su Maideni, dobio sam užasnu želju pogledati Komandosa, potres je prestao, zarežao sam, spreman potući se s prvom osobom koju ugledam. Srećom, živim sam. Ravnoteža je bila vraćena, a jednu stvar sam naučio. Može pivo biti u butelji, može izgledati kao vino, ali i dalje je pivo i nikoga neće zavarati. I dalje će se piti u prilikama kad se pije pivo, na način na koji se pije pivo. I pit će ga isti ljudi. Često u gaćama. Ponekad i bez.

 

…na vrutke me tihane vodiš, i krijepiš dušu moju, na poljanama zelenim ti mi daješ odmora…

 

KUMAŠIN

Btw, nekad davno sam zapravo pogledao Brokeback Mountain i smatram da je zapravo dosta dobar film. Što jest jest, dobro su odgumili, a i jbg, bili su usamljeni gore na planini. Ne sjećam se jesu li imali piva i je li to možda bila prevaga u cijeloj priči. Nekako sumnjam, a i da jest, to su američka piva. Da su potegli neki pravi irski/britanski stout, umjesto posjedovanja jedan drugog tamo gore, vjerojatno bi s vojskom ovaca zauzeli Kanadu. Ili su krave čuvali? Ne sjećam se. Nije ni bitno. 

Negdje upravo u ovom odlomku nazvao me kum. Kum je podrijetlom Hercegovac te mu brda nisu strana, ali ova druga spomenuta rabota itekako jest, tako da njegov poziv baš u ovom momentu nije baš ni po čemu znakovit. S obzirom da je i kum pivopija, a trenutno me i šiša po količini kušanih unique piva, zasigurno će još koji put biti spomenut u objavama. Njemu u čast, ako ikad napravim(o) svoje pivo, nazvat ću ga Kumašin. Točno ga vidim, Kumašin stout, 6,2% alkohola, brewed on the balcony, 5th floor.  

Zaboravio sam spomenuti, pivo iz butelje valja. Daleko od toga da je najbolje pivo koje sam ikad probao, ali daleko je i od najgoreg. Zapravo, kad bih morao smisliti idealnu priliku za konzumaciju istoga, vjerojatno bito bilo, ni manje ni više, nego u šatoru na vrh Brokeback Mountaina. 

 

kizivat01 Written by:

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